All right. For all the tweaking of the difficulty you're trying to do, you're missing the thing that's actually messing up the pace and making the game unfun which is that the weapons are all crap. Early on this was understandable, but this has never changed through all these versions.
Damage is outstripped by enemy health almost immediately. At 30 seconds, the base whip can't kill the minotaurs in one hit anymore. Weapons all go off very, very slowly. The amount of kiting goblins you have to do before you shoot makes those shots easy to miss because of how much other stuff you run into and because the window is so small at once every 5 seconds. These together make actually leveling up become overly difficult because how unreasonable it is to cut through or kite enemies so you have a path to get to the XP bobbles, meaning if you haven't gotten a worthwhile level up in the first about 20 seconds, your run is in trouble.
And that worthwhile level up thing is the real problem here. If the level system was better, a lot of this would be alleviated, but what you get from levels is pretty bad. Having every weapon have to every stat individually one point at a time per one level means the level up pool is extremely polluted with mediocre to outright pointless upgrades, especially given that those upgrades can appear multiple times in the same level up. Knockback and stun barely do anything when they hit, and unless they're attached to the Garlic equivalent, the small area of everything makes them very hard to hit more than a small fraction of the enemies, which is pointless. This is why the Bible equivalent is the only Good weapon because it's consistently out and does decent damage out the gate, so it's fairly usable in general and actually decent for dealing with the enemies you're kiting.
To compare with VS directly, every weapon starts solid enough to kill enemies for at least the first 3 minutes, which gives you plenty of time to build up levels. Every equip has its own upgrade track that suits the item specifically both in stats and unique effects, only takes up one level up choice slot, and levels almost always give you a new piece of equipment as long as you have the space for them still. This means good rolls on the level up pool are more for specific challenges and goals and not as much almost immediate potential deal breakers. It also helps that the weapons are mostly unique and interesting to use and look at rather than "the same thing but firing up and down counts as a new weapon."
I promise that all of the fiddling you're doing with the numbers for pickups, enemy amount and health, and the clock will be much better if you spend a few updates making the weapons better.